1

Maybe I left too soon, maybe all this regret and hurt is trying to tell me something. I know I'm better off alone, I know I'll only end up dragging you down with me, you've got to understand it isn't worth it. It may seems it now but I'll bring you to new lows, I can't do that to you. I know this may seem selfish on my part but I only do it because I care, and I'm saying that with 100% honesty. Please don't condemn my actions to try and make myself feel better, I'm aware that everything I tried has been wrong, and that everythings getting steadily worse but believe me I am trying, I need to re-build my boundries, including all those I broke with you. You're on my mind too often for me to function. I don't know if I feel the same as I did, I can look at you without aching to hold you, burning inside just to kiss again. I feel comfortable with the distance, but I feel like this bad attempt at friendship won't last. With all the guilt and anger still surfacing so often, how can it? All we do is bicker over things that should have long since surpassed us. I know you still love her, I know you loved her the whole time, Did I not call this one? That if I left for good you'd be right back to her? I was right, you know it, you knew it all along. 'Only love is on the run.' Nothing can mend me like winter, and of course its leaving. I need to get away from here, I need to break free of all these expectations and standards, I don't want anyone to know who I am, my past, what I've done or what I plan to do. I've got to breathe easy for once, I can't keep crowding my head with every little negative and every hint of beauty that comes and goes, but now more than ever is only going. Going, going, gone. I can't find the light. Just like that, its all over. How could I be so stupid? To actually think this would solve anything? I need to start over. Its never going to happen, I don't why I tell myself that, well, because its true, but I know it won't happen, I know I'd completely fall apart if I left everything behind now. But if even for a month, I feel it'd be too much. Because in that time I'd miss Donna's crisis, all three of them and many on the rise. I'd miss a month of Laura's time before shes gone at the end of this year, god I'm going to miss her. I'd be losing time with Sean, though I'm sure I'm just being paranoid but since its hit me that he really won't be here after a while, I just feel like I should make the most of whatever hes got left. Then of course the academics I'd miss; though I feel like lifes too short to fill it with things like that anyways. I mean honestly, you don't have much time to live, every second you're an inch closer to death. This runs through my head a lot more frequently than it should. This needs to end before trackmarks start appearing, way to be melodramatic.